Eternal Bonds
by kryptoniansky
Summary: Kensi and Deeks agree to leave their future to chance, regarding the biggest decision of their lives. However, fate surprises them in ways they could never have predicted. Now, there's no turning back. More info inside.
1. Taking a Chance

**Author's Notes:** I was only permitted to state 4 of the main characters for this story, however more character will become as crucial as the fic goes along - including two OCs. This story is Densi and Nallen, though more may emerge over time. The pace of this story (events, not chapter updates) will be gradual. Please be sure to read the notes at the end of this chapter, as they're also important.

_For those of you who read my other NCIS: Los Angeles stories - this is simply a busy time of year/s. I still write content for the next chapters when I can, so updates are pending, but this story simply demanded to be written. It'll be one of those fics I can't stop writing, so be prepared for a lot of chapters and hopefully very regular updates. Also, thanks specially to G for being everything she is and more._

* * *

**~ Taking a Chance ~**

Kensi didn't make a sound, as she crossed the room in her socks, passing between her bedroom and the bathroom across the hall. The path was dulled by the night, but Kensi had visited the house enough to navigate the blackened space without difficulty.

She stepped inside the bathroom, and flicked on the light to blind out the darkness of the tiled room. Kensi slowly closed the bathroom door, and leaned her back against the cool surface of the wood. She exhaled a long breath, trying to release everything that emotionally swirled inside her. Kensi closed her eyes, and tilted her head back so her face was aimed at the ceiling. She stood there, unmoving, for a while – her body flooded with nervousness and confusion. More significantly, the memories began to entangle her mind and overpowered her awareness of anything else.

_'Enough, Deeks!' Kensi said. 'The joke is over.'_

_'I'm not joking.' Deeks replied. 'Why do you always think I'm joking?'_

_'You can't be serious about this.'_

_'Why not?' Deeks frowned, leaning against the wall near the cafe where they'd stopped for lunch. 'I've seen you looking through those magazines, and the way you listened to that witness when she spoke about her kid. You want a baby, don't you?'_

_'Deeks. Stop.' Kensi said firmly. 'Do not go there. Maybe I do, or maybe I don't. But I wouldn't ask that of you. It's too much, and we're not even a couple.' She turned to walk away, thinking their conversation was over. _

_His words made her halt rather abruptly, and cause a hitch of breath to escape her lips. _

_'Did you ever think that maybe I want to be a father?'_

_Kensi turned to look at him. She'd heard the offended tone in his voice, yet saw the vulnerability in his eyes. He was serious. She'd thought he was bantering with her, as they always did, and made suggestions on a whim instead of with any degree of actual honesty. Now, she saw the truth. It wasn't so much about her, and her supposed "biological clock" ticking away, but about Deeks as well. Deeks, and his surprisingly genuine interest in being a father._

_'You could always adopt.' She suggested quietly._

_'That takes years, and costs more than I have at one time.' Deeks sighed, hinting he had already explored the option._

_Kensi watched him, crossing her arms over her chest defensively, and was momentarily at loss of how to handle the situation. Suddenly, she wished he was still joking and teasing. She wished the longing in his eyes didn't so easily match the one she often saw in the mirror when no one was around._

_'Besides, our kids would be gorgeous.' He smirked, falling back into his protected state of deflecting with humour. 'Little assassins with our awesomeness?'_

_'Deeks.' Kensi sighed, rubbing her forehead with her hand. 'We're talking about a baby. It'll cry, and need a lot of attention. It's a lot of work, all the time.'_

_'I do have a vague idea of what a baby is.' He rolled his eyes. 'It's like a dog, only better because a baby will eventually become a kid and will talk back, though that might not be a good thing in some cases. And dogs don't clean up after themselves, so ideally it's better than getting a dog, which I heard-'_

_'Deeks.' Kensi said again._

_'I'm not saying it'll be easy, or even that it's a rational decision for us to do this,' He added. 'You want a baby. I want a baby. You're a woman. I'm a guy. We'd just be helping each other out, right?'_

_'Oh my god, you're not kidding.' Kensi inhaled a breath and released it slowly, turning to sit on the nearest chair. 'Pretend for a moment that I would even consider this, how could we make it work? We're not married.'_

_'Maybe I'm misinformed, but I'm pretty sure marriage isn't actually a requirement to have a kid.' Deeks said lightly. 'You know Alyssa? She brings her son to work at Ops, and no one has a problem with that. Hetty doesn't leave the building much, so I doubt she'd mind babysitting now and again. Sam's got a kid, so we can leech knowledge off him if we get stuck, right?'_

_'This is insane.' Kensi insisted, shaking her head. Her voice was more forceful than before, though she hadn't raised the volume above a whisper. 'We've been talking about this for a year, but I never thought...'_

_'What's the worst that could happen? Really?' Deeks approached her. 'I say we give it a try - let fate decide.'_

_'You believe in fate?' Kensi raised an eyebrow at him, disbelief defining her features._

_'I found you, didn't I?' Deeks flashed her a grin._

Kensi warily reopened her eyes, and ducked her head before the light from the ceiling could hurt her eyes. Lowering her gaze further, Kensi stared at her socked feet standing on the pale tiled surface. Swallowing, Kensi slowly slid down the door and sat on the cold floor of the bathroom. She wrapped her arms around her knees, and bit her lip anxiously. She was dressed in a pair of loose faded black pants, and a long-sleeved white pyjama shirt, as she'd just gotten out of bed.

Kensi hadn't looked at the time, though she suspected it was sometime after four in the morning.

It was still there, she knew.

Kensi looked over to her sink, picturing the object concealed behind the white cupboard doors. Crawling over, she opened it, and lifted out the box from within. Actually, it wasn't the only one. There were three boxes of pregnancy tests - each were unopened. She touched her fingertips to the closed flap of the box in her hand, and exhaled a ragged breath in effort to keep herself calm.

Her posture was uncertain, though controlled, whereas her mind raced and twisted beyond her will.

_'Should we, like, go to dinner first - or a movie, or something?' Deeks asked anxiously. _

_He stepped into her apartment, and glanced around as though he was visiting for the first time rather than having been there over a dozen times before. He walked to her stereo, and turned it on to flip through the music choices._

_'What are you doing?' Kensi asked him a bit sharply. She was nervous about their decision, though no less willing to go through with it. _

_'Is there some sort of tune that would help with the baby-making process?' Deeks asked casually, glancing over at her with a slight smile._

_'Oh my god, turn it off.' Kensi stated, reaching to do so herself. Silence filled the room again, and she almost regretted voiding it of sound. 'This is weird enough as it is.'_

_'Yeah, the awkward dial is pretty high.' Deeks shrugged, turning to face her. 'I'm not complaining, though.' _

_He looked her over, though they'd just come from work so she was still dressed in a pair of jeans with a sleeveless blue top. And yet, the look in his eyes suggested he thought she looked as beautiful as ever. She fidgeted under his gaze, and tried to withhold a blush, but otherwise stood her ground._

_'We're really going to do this?'_

_'Yeah.' Kensi took the first step closer, and shyly wrapped her arms around his neck. Her brown gaze met blue, and a small smile parted his lips. 'We are.'_

The boxed pregnancy test hadn't been opened, because Kensi wasn't sure what she expected.

They'd agreed to try once, and if nothing happened than they wouldn't talk about it again. Not for a while, anyway. Deeks was very eager for a positive result, though she could tell he was just as nervous as she was. Kensi didn't know which answer she wanted, wondering if she minded either way. She'd completely agreed to the choice, in full awareness of the consequences of it, though Kensi could only think of how much of it related more to Deeks than herself.

Slipping her finger under the cardboard flap, she slowly opened the box and peered within.

Sighing, she lifted out the stick that accompanied a rather detailed set of instructions. It seemed simple enough, Kensi knew, but the weight of what she held was more than just riddled by the things that made her anxious – it was about Deeks too. The night they'd spent together had started out only as an agreed necessity, but once they kissed and leaned closer, their original goal was left forgotten. That night, despite everything and the continued awkwardness of it all, was not an erupted passion between partners or friends.

That night, several weeks ago, they'd been lovers.

_'Kens?' Deeks glanced sideways, as they sat in her car. 'Kensi?'_

_'What?' She frowned, her brown gaze still fixated on the supermarket store they were parked right outside of._

_'I'm pretty sure we have to actually go in there to buy something.' Deeks pointed out. 'We've been here for ages. I'm running out of gum.' He held up his almost-empty packet._

_'One more minute.' Kensi stated._

_'Okay.' Deeks sighed with dread. 'But this is boring. I can get them.' He got out of the car, knowing she wouldn't let him go in alone._

_'Deeks.' Kensi was startled from her tense moment, and got out after him. 'Deeks. Don't you dare. Deeks!' She hissed. Her efforts were useless, as he ignored her and headed for the store. _

_Grumbling, knowing she had no choice other than to follow, Kensi hurried to catch up with him._

_The pair stepped inside, and Kensi had to grab Deeks' arm to direct him to the correct isle when he'd turned to walk in the opposite direction. The two partners each examined the signs and rows of shelves, until they found the section they had come for. The large range of pregnancy tests were laid out in front of them, and the enormity of their decision became much stronger than before._

_'Wow.' Deeks exhaled. 'This...okay, this is awkward. Can we go now? I-I don't feel comfortable standing here. It's like a guy shopping for lady stuff.'_

_'Lady stuff?' Kensi glanced at him. 'Meaning, what?'_

_'Just the little...you know?' He fidgeted, and turned back to the shelves. 'How do these even work? Is there like some sort of magic-' He instantly silenced when an elderly woman wandered by them, with a smile on her face as she briefly observed the pair._

_'How should I know?' Kensi whispered back, feeling on edge just standing there in front of all the boxes promising a potentially life-changing result. 'Just grab one, and let's go.'_

_Deeks seemed reluctant, but preferred to get out as quick as possible - he snatched the first box in sight, and turned to leave. He was halted by a grip on his arm, forcing him to turn and face Kensi's glare._

_'Why that one?' She questioned._

_'Uh, I need a reason?' Deeks squirmed again. 'It's got colours, and pictures here...'_

_'Oh, Deeks.' Kensi grumbled. She moved to look over the boxes with all the careful scrutiny he'd lacked when making his selection._

_'What, they all work, don't they?' Deeks rolled his eyes. 'We're leaving now. Look, here.' He grabbed a nearby basket, and dropped his selection in, along with two other random boxes from the shelf. _

_Dumping the basket in her arms, which Kensi caught by mere reflex, Deeks stood behind her and nudged her over to the counter. They got as far as the cashier, before Kensi purposefully stepped on Deeks' foot in punishment for pushing her. She placed the basket on the counter, and distracted herself by checking the nearby customers and staff in wariness of recognising anyone. _

_Deeks grabbed a candy bar from nearby and added it to their purchases, as if the presence of chocolatey sugar could diffuse the intensity of what lay ahead._

* * *

It was almost six in the morning when Kensi arrived at work.

The Mission was darkened, and quiet, as only a few other employees were there. Kensi observed the area in relief, seeing none of them were members of her team. Exhaling, she sank into her chair - then almost shot back out of it in distress when someone spoke to her.

'Good morning, Ms Blye.'

'Hetty!' Kensi gasped. She placed a hand over her chest, as though she'd narrowly escaped a heart attack. 'Morning.'

'You're here early.' Hetty commented.

'Yeah.' Kensi nodded, without expanding on a reason.

Lying to Hetty, while one was already feeling vulnerable, was like staring a lion in the face and expecting to survive.

Luckily, Nell was there early as well – and importantly called Hetty up to Ops. Kensi watched Hetty walk away until she'd vanished from sight. Kensi prayed they didn't have an urgent case, as her mind still whirled too much for her to focus properly on incidences that deserved her undivided attention. Kensi slumped against the back of her chair, and willed herself to concentrate on the present.

She'd taken the test, twice, and Kensi didn't know how to feel about the result.

Hearing footsteps, Kensi looked up in alarm. _How could she tell Deeks?_

She fidgeted, then calmed, when she saw Callen approach her. Kensi sat straighter in her chair, and pulled it closer to the desk. Resting her elbows on the surface, she placed her chin against her palms, and frowned.

Callen watched her for a moment, gripping a duffel bag over his shoulder, then wandered to his desk.

He sat beside Kensi, and glanced in her direction. Many times this had happened before, and yet the look on her face told him something occurred that morning which had never happened to her before. Callen didn't know why, and could only venture to guess, but whatever it was it impacted her in a strange way. Kensi was very serious, and extremely deep in thought, yet no less alert or disorientated than usual. If anything, she was more on edge and aware of her surroundings.

'Kens?' Callen gently placed a hand on her shoulder, surprised when she didn't flinch away from him. He briefly wondered why he thought she would, and not just because it was Kensi Blye.

His voice was quiet, yet concerned, as he watched her carefully.

Kensi glanced at Callen, preparing to secure her expression and emotions. She was astonished by the emotion his simple, supportive touch and tone had provoked in her. If Deeks had done the same, it would have given her a sense of comfort and security, but Callen provided something else entirely. It was loyalty. He was showing her that no matter what it was, he would be there for whatever she needed to make it go away.

The occurance vaguely reminded her of the times before Deeks – back when she was a new Agent needing guidance and patient teaching.

Kensi sighed, and didn't want to lie to him - not when Callen was clearly just trying to be a good friend. It seemed unfair, somehow, to carelessly dismiss his concern in that moment.

'I'm just...' Kensi pressed her lips together, considering how to phrase it. 'I'm going through some stuff right now. I just need time.' She looked over at him, seeing his nod of understanding, as Callen pulled back and removed his hand from her shoulder.

'Can I talk to you, later, if I need to?'

'Of course.' Callen offered her a confident smile - one of continued support and mingled with restrained curiosity.

'Thanks.' Kensi said quietly, looking back to her desk.

She was aware of the slowly filling office - starting with the arrival of Sam.

Kensi kept her head ducked most of the time, and only vaguely listened to Sam questioning her mood. The query wasn't aimed at her, so Kensi merely shrugged when Callen offered a brief explanation on her behalf. _"Stuff"_ seemed to be quite the all-telling word, because Sam backed off once he heard it. They were worried about her, Kensi accepted, but it didn't really change anything. Not right then, hours after she'd sat in the bathroom to stare at her pregnancy test.

And then Deeks came in.

His joyful, early-morning greetings as he crossed to his desk was almost contagious, though Kensi was unable to look at him right away. She'd tensed, which only Callen seemed to notice, and her mind hurriedly tried to come up with a reason to flee the room.

Luckily, Hetty came into the bullpen bearing a very large distraction.

Kensi glanced over, and never imagined there would ever be a time in her life when the sight of boxes containing cold cases would bring her a sense of _relief_. Everyone else groaned and protested, but Kensi remained unnaturally silent. Sighing with gratitude, she turned to Hetty and offered her a smile. To anyone else, they'd have been baffled by such an odd reaction to being assigned hours of boring paperwork, but it was Hetty. A knowing nod of her head told Kensi she was right – Hetty knew more than anyone ever had to tell her. She didn't think Hetty was aware of what was going on, but then again – she didn't really need to. That's just how Hetty was, and in that moment Kensi felt incredibly lucky to only focus her efforts on task involving paperwork.

Her mind was far too cluttered and unsure to be able to interrogate someone, and Kensi would never dare go out into the field to put herself and her partner at risk because of her inability to see straight. She was alert, and did engage in simple conversation throughout the morning, but Kensi was very serious and contemplative.

Despite her relief to have it to occupy her time, Kensi wasn't able to get much paperwork done.

She kept pausing to listen to things Deeks said, when he wasn't just whining about hand cramps and boredom. The image of her pregnancy test results loomed into her mind around lunch, and Kensi turned down all offers to get her something when Deeks gleefully announced he was going on a lunch run. With his excessive complaining, Callen and Sam placed most of their attention on Deeks for the day. Kensi did comment, as any focus rested solely on her would once again gave her the urge to get away as far and fast as she could.

That would certainly raise suspicions.

By mid-afternoon, Kensi's luck had evaporated.

'You've been quiet over there, Partner.' Deeks commented casually from his desk, leaning back in protest to any additional writing.

Sam was still focused on reading through a thick case-file, whereas Callen concentrated all his efforts into making his pencil balance on one end. Neither of the other two agents looked up when Deeks spoke, though each listened carefully and reacted with smirks at her reply.

'Why, because I haven't been talking everyone's ears off for the past eight or so hours?' Kensi bantered back without hesitation.

She raised her gaze to meet Deeks', which was the first time she had properly done so all day. He stared intently at her, then calmed slightly as though he'd been secretly worried about her. Kensi swallowed and broke contact, re-confirming his theory that something unspoken was bothering her.

'You've barely said a word all day.' Deeks continued, ignoring her mocking. 'Not even to tell me to shut up. I mean, I wasn't talking _that_ much, and it's all relevantly justified, but you usually scold me anyway. Like a big mama bear.'

And there it was.

Kensi inhaled a sharp breath, which this time went entirely unmissed by her team. She halted her actions, and steadied her mind. Bracing herself, Kensi narrowed her eyebrows and looked strikingly at Deeks with every bit of annoyance she could muster.

'Maybe I just want to get this work done?'

'It's cold case files, Kens. What's another day?' Deeks replied, confused and rather concerned.

He considered her reaction to the phrase _"mama bear" _and his mind started racing. He quickly checked the date, and wondered. After that, his string of thoughts became almost as unbalanced as her own.

'Maybe, to us, they're just papers and information.' Kensi felt genuine irritation swell inside her, considering the file sitting on her desk in front of her.

It was nothing special, just an everyday domestic homicide with little evidence to place blame – yet the person who had been killed was a young woman. Younger than her, in fact, who had never married or had children. There were possibilities in her life, and surely the woman had dreams and hopes for her future before someone decided she wouldn't have a future anymore.

The root of the problem, regarding her suddenly snappy tone, rested inside Kensi.

The singular concept of what she and Deeks had agreed to now took all of her focus. They had decided on a single chance – what happened from that chance, that one night of passion, was entirely up to fate. Kensi didn't really believe in such things, but there was no other word to use. The test results became clear in her mind once again, and disappointment began to overwhelm her.

'What about the families who lost them?' Kensi snatched the file in front of her, showing a picture of a smiling young woman barely out of her teens. 'What about her? She had a mother who misses her, a boyfriend who couldn't even there for her when she needed him - and what about her life? It was taken from her! There was so much she still wanted, but now can't have.' Kensi ranted, shocking the others into staring at her.

'Kensi, I didn't mean-'

'No, Deeks, you didn't.' Kensi dropped the file in front of her, willing herself to remember he had no idea that his hopes and dreams had also been crushed.

The tests had been negative.

Her outburst, however, caused a fearful realisation in Kensi – she did want them to be positive. She did want a baby, with Deeks. She wanted it _so badly_, that nothing around her seemed important enough to give any attention to. Not even the case file lying in front of her.

'One more day to her family isn't just that.' Kensi finished, quieter. 'That's another day they spend without her, wondering what happened and why. We owe it to them to find out, so no, I'm not going to sit here and complain when there are other things to think about!'

Without another word, in complete lack of trust towards her own mouth, Kensi got up and stormed from the bullpen.

* * *

The rest of the afternoon passed by rather smoothly, as though her outburst never happened. Kensi was only gone for a short while, and came back with a round of coffees as a silent apology for taking her mood out on everyone. Deeks complained considerably less about the paperwork, and Kensi once again fell into a state of contemplative silence.

When they were finally permitted to leave for the day, Kensi was the last to move.

Everyone left before her – everyone, but Deeks.

When Kensi rose from her desk, she could feel him staring at her from across the bullpen. She sighed, and knew something had to happen tonight – she had to talk to him, before things got too far. It had been weeks since their night of planned passion, and yet he hadn't mentioned it once. Kensi could tell, as it was impossible for her to miss, the way he checked the date every morning as if counting down.

She knew he itched to ask how she was feeling, and yet he hadn't.

Barely aware of accepting his offer to have dinner, as she was feeling hungry now – having skipped both breakfast and lunch, Kensi continued to be relatively lost in her own thoughts. He offered to drive, and Kensi struggled to not protest. She couldn't, because it would mean revealing she hadn't been staying at the address he knew to be hers. The house had become familiar, and strangely it never bothered her that it was so empty at this time of year. She had her own key, and her bedroom was every bit her own, yet Kensi had never told Deeks about the nights she often stayed there.

In fact, there was several parts of her life Deeks still had no idea of.

Kensi wanted to check her answering machine, expecting a message, but knew she couldn't until later - when she finally went back home. Jane would probably just be lecturing her about making sure Kensi replaced the ice cream before she came back. Kensi missed her friend and room-mate, but now was not the time to dwell.

On the drive into the city, Kensi pulled her hair out so it hang loosely over her shoulders. She exhaled, and felt dread creeping inside her. Deeks kept glancing in her direction, but Kensi tried to ignore him. Her body and mind betrayed her by trapping in the emotions she couldn't push away, as Kensi remembered almost a month ago when she'd agreed to try for a baby with Deeks. Just once; that was the agreement.

Now, there she sat, in his car, with bad news involving the outcome. Kensi was deeply unsettled by how guilty and sad she felt, knowing she was so close to crushing Deeks' dream.

Kensi wished she'd never learned just how much he wanted to be a father – it filled him with so much joy and hope just to hear her honest agreement to give them even a small chance at creating a child of their own. There had never been any guarantee, and while Deeks had been realistic about those odds, Kensi knew her news was going to really hurt him. A part of her wanted to withhold the negative pregnancy results for as long as possible, but she couldn't hang onto it - to carry on without telling him seemed too unfair to bear.

The longer she waited, the harder it would be for both of them.

It didn't matter how determined she was to get it over with, because an hour later nothing had changed. They'd had dinner at a simple restaurant, and Kensi engaged in conversation about...Honestly, she had no idea after a while. All she could see and think of was the little line on her test telling her she was not going to carry Deeks' child.

She should be relieved, Kensi scolded herself, as she watched Deeks wander away to the men's room. They only had club sodas with their meal, which Kensi continued to carefully swirl around in her glass. The liquid distracted her, as a physical representation of her spiralling mind, until Deeks sat across from her and startled Kensi from her thoughts. Gasping, and almost letting the glass slip, Kensi looked at him with apprehension

'Kens?' Deeks made his concerns noticed throughout the meal, but had remained patient with her promise to explain later.

'Let's get out of here.' Kensi decided, feeling the familiar urge to run.

She couldn't leave him, not without telling Deeks first, and yet she had to get away from the restaurant. Kensi got up from the table, tossing her napkin down, and walked around to grab his wrist. Startled, but playing along, Deeks allowed her to tug him to a pair of doors across the room – it led to a bar nearby.

He wondered, briefly, how she knew it was there – until Deeks recognised the scenery from a recent undercover Op.

Her mind was overpowering, and the entire room around her faded from her awareness. The flickering colours, dancing crowds, and constant noise, simply couldn't penetrate her thoughts. Kensi released Deeks' hand, and sighed. It was too much. Kensi was used to being in control of herself, of her emotions, but tonight she was unravelling and it scared her more than anything.

'Seriously, Kensi, I can't do this.' Deeks said tiredly, having to raise his voice over the volumes all around them.

'What?' She looked at him with alarm, unsure why she felt a surge of panic course through her at his words.

'You've been quiet.' Deeks continued. 'Jumpy, even. What's going on?'

Kensi knew now was the moment of truth.

They stood near the bar, though not quite, and she looked downwards at the darkened floor for a moment. Inhaling a long breath, Kensi met his gaze and permitted him to see her regretful sadness within.

He looked away, and Kensi had a suspicion he knew what might be coming.

'I'm not pregnant.' Kensi told him, moving closer to ensure he heard her. It wasn't something she wanted to announce to the whole room, even if no one was listening.

Deeks closed his eyes for a brief moment, still avoiding casting his blue gaze in her direction, and breathed in a ragged gasp of air. Kensi stood stiffly in front of him, watching the hurt flicker through his gaze.

He looked so sad, and _so_ _disappointed_, that Kensi begun to blame herself.

'I'm sorry.' Kensi told him, blinking back tears she furiously willed to go away. 'I don't know what-'

'No, no.' Deeks stared straight at her, inching closer to gently hold her elbow in desire to initiate some form of physical contact. 'It's fine.'

'It's not fine.' Kensi frowned. 'Are you mad at me?'

'God, Kens, no!' Deeks shook his head. 'We took one chance, and we missed. Maybe it wasn't meant to be, this time?'

'This time?' Kensi narrowed her eyes.

'We could always-'

'No.' Kensi shook her head, not wanting to go through the disappointment and hurt again. 'We agreed; one time.'

'I know.' Deeks averted his gaze, not wanting her to see how deeply sad the news made him. 'C'mon.'

'What?'

Kensi was surprised by his strangely managed mood, as he led her into the mass of people dancing all around them. They looked so happy, and carefree, that Kensi wanted to shoot someone. She recoiled into her defensive shields, wanting to sit on her couch with a tub of ice cream rather than be surrounded by so much noise and activity.

She'd become separated from Deeks for a moment, though she was shamefully glad to no longer see the look in his eyes. Kensi felt as if, somehow, she'd let him down. He'd needed her to achieve something that meant the world to him, and Kensi had failed. Kensi gravitated towards a wall and leaned her back against it. She glanced at her phone and wished she could call Jane. She would understand, Kensi knew.

'Where's that smile of yours, Sunshine?' Deeks' voice reached her.

'Deeks.' Kensi squirmed, realising how close he was to her.

Kensi felt detached from everything – she didn't want to be acknowledged, touched, or even spoken to in that moment. She just wanted to curl up somewhere comfortable and sort out why she felt so confused. Nothing had changed, not really. She was still exactly as she'd been a month ago. The negative pregnancy tests had ensured that life would go on as it once had. Except, Kensi realised she no longer wanted things to stay as they had once been.

Risking a look at Deeks, she saw he was trying to keep up his appearances of going with the flow.

Another wave of guilt passed through her. Kensi understood now, though she wasn't sure why her moment of clarity had come right then, as she stared into Deeks' blue gaze of continued trust and appreciation. She felt a sense of loss. It wasn't a feeling she liked, as it was far too familiar, yet Kensi felt it nonetheless. The coldness of it all started to seep across her arms, and into her heart, but Kensi didn't want to mourn what she'd never even had.

Latching onto the only thing keeping her from losing her composure entirely, Kensi stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Deeks. They'd already been intimate, though for a necessity instead of a need, so the contact was not entirely foreign to her as it had once been. Deeks curled his arms around her back, holding her close, as he inhaled her scent. Kensi felt his breath against her, knowing his composure was far less stable than her own.

He was heartbroken, though struggling to keep it at bay.

'We don't have a baby.' Kensi swallowed, as she uttered her words against his listening ear. 'But we're still here.'

Pulling back, Deeks watched her carefully to decipher the meaning behind her words. A small hint of returning hope sparked in his eyes, and though Kensi had not exclusively tried to suggest more than a continued close friendship, she couldn't deny the way her stomach fluttered with the way he stared at her while they stood intimately close. All the desires and sensations she'd felt weeks ago came flooding back. Countless times she'd reminded herself they weren't together, and that night wasn't meant to be special – and yet, it was. Exploring Deeks in a new way had given her more delight and warmth than Kensi ever imagined to be possible.

Now, she craved it.

Without thinking, as her mind was still ribboned from the stressful night she'd had leading up to her sitting on the bathroom floor, Kensi closed the remaining space between them. She kissed him, unsure and hesitant at first, then was encouraged when Deeks returned the passion. They easily forgot the room was filled with people, as the pair held the other close and vented their disappointment through the fondness that had exploded between them that night.

When they parted, Kensi realised she was wrong – _everything_ had changed.

Without warning, Kensi gave in to her previously restrained thought. There was one part that had disabled her from handling the situation as she should have, because deep down she too had wanted a baby.

'Kens?' Deeks became worried again when she started to cry.

Pressing her forehead to his shirt, Kensi fought to get a grip on herself. She shook her head, letting Deeks know she wasn't going to talk about it, and simply cried. Instead of embracing her again, Deeks snaked an arm around her waist and led her from the room.

The cool night hair hit her skin, and Kensi shivered.

'I'd offer you my jacket, but I didn't bring one.' Deeks told her.

There was still a bit of a crowd, though Kensi dismissed any awareness of others. However, a smile formed on her lips at his playful words.

'I'd give you my shirt, but I'm afraid the ladies will attack my stunning figure if I walk around without a shirt.' Deeks continued, wanting so badly to see her smile again. He'd been caught off-guard by her emotions, and wasn't sure what to make of the moment they'd shared inside the building they now stood outside of.

A chuckle felt like music to his ears, and Deeks stood behind her to lean close upon witnessing a brief view of her expression.

'I can see you smiling.' He teased, knowing she had turned her back to him in attempt to hide her smile.

Deeks knew she was embarrassed, and annoyed at herself for being vulnerable, so he tried to lighten the mood. He hoped it would stop her from running, as Kensi often did when things got too personal. She'd been a shell of herself all day - it was nice to have a moment of restored normalcy between them, even if it might lead to a premature goodnight and parting of ways.

'Okay.' Kensi breathed, then turned around. 'Can we get outta here?'

'You want me to drive you home?' Deeks hoped she wouldn't, so maybe he could salvage some of the night they'd shared so far. He wanted to make sure she was okay, though he refused to acknowledge any other reason he might have for staying close to her.

'Yes.' Kensi nodded, knowing it was the sensible thing to do.

She followed him to the car and got in, remembering a little too late that she hadn't been referring to the place he knew so well. Deeks didn't know about the house, just as he didn't know about the life that came with it, and so Kensi remained quiet in the passenger seat. Deeks kept up conversation, though the tones of his voice suggested it was merely to prevent an awkward silence.

Arriving at her place, Kensi got out - and watched as Deeks followed her. She reached the doorstep, eyeing a slight stack of newspapers sitting nearby, and turned quickly when Deeks spoke.

'Maybe...Maybe it's not so bad.' Deeks said, looking downwards. 'The baby, I mean. The timing's wrong, right?'

'Right.' Kensi inhaled a short breath. 'It wasn't meant to be.'

'Well, some of it.' Deeks shifted nervously, then took a step closer. 'I have no regrets. That night was still...'

Kensi realised what he was hinting at, and panic swelled once again. She glanced at her door, longing to get away, but remained where she stood. Deeks looked less scary when he showed how anxious he was to just say those words – to admit their shared intimacy wasn't a waste even if they didn't get the results they'd hoped for.

'Well, I better-'

'No.' Kensi stopped him from backtracking.

He knew he'd said too much, but Kensi didn't care. The fire inside her remained – she wanted to be close to him, to remind herself she hadn't really lost anything. And, maybe, if she was brave tonight, Kensi could accept she had gained something instead. Not a baby, but perhaps something that had always been there.

'Stay.'

After her single word, the rest of the night was a blur of kisses, tangled limbs, and powerful emotion.

This time, however, was different.

Their first sexual encounter with the other had been rushed, awkward at first, then freeing. Their second time mimicked of the first, except there was a heartfelt sense of familiarity. The form of the other was no longer new and unexplored, though the emotions that accompanied the entire experience were elevated. They took their time, and willed the sensual trust only for desire instead of a need.

The first time, they'd tried to make a baby.

The second time, they'd made love.

Except, with all the differences between those two nights, there was one thing that remained _exactly_ the same. Kensi and Deeks weren't aware of it at the time, too caught up in the increasingly-familiar moment – but there was one thing they'd forgotten to include that also hadn't been present weeks ago.

It would be a while before Kensi or Deeks realised it, and by then it wouldn't make a difference. And yet, equally, it was going to make every ounce of difference in their lives. That night of passion, of love, and of intimacy – Kensi and Deeks had entirely forgotten to use protection.

Unbeknownst to them, fate had been given a second chance.

* * *

**Important Author's Notes:** I know a lot of baby-fics tend to go through time rather quickly - such as skipping things, passing over most of the pregnancy, and portions after the birth to reach a time period to center on - I myself do it, especially in "Wish". However, this fic does not fit that purpose - I ask for your patience, as I intend to properly show the near-entire extent of Kensi and Deeks' journey as parents: through the pregnancy, the birth, and what follows. If you're looking for a story about a child, prepare to first spend a lot of time reading through those fresh baby years. Also keep in mind, that while the baby is the focused plot, there are also a lot of other family-themed things going on - this fic is primarily about family bonds as a whole. Callen is a main character for a reason, but you'll have to wait to find out why. I also have a preview video for this fic, which contains parts of upcoming scenes and more explanation of what this story is all about. Check out my profile for the link!

_Thank you to every single person who has read this so far! I really appreciate it, and I do hope you'll take a moment to send feedback via a review. _


	2. Together

**Author's Notes:** Thank you to every person who has reviewed, read, followed, and favourited this story so far! I need to specially thank G for writing up a draft for an important portion of an earlier scene in this chapter for me. I simply couldn't get it done without her help, whereas the rest of the chapter was waiting to be written. She's an incredible friend, and a life-saver!

**Important:** _An OC character, Jane, will be properly introduced soon - however, you need to know an important fact about her dialogue. Any misspellings you may notice are _completely intentional_. Though a Brooklyn accent is what she used for most of her life, Jane now has a rather unique way of talking that can't be catagorised by just one accent/manner of speaking. If it seems confusing or inconsistent, that is also intentional. I am doing my best to not write it in an annoying way, but be aware that the dialogue is very crucial to her characterisation - more on this will be explained as chapters go along, either in notes I put here or within the fic. _

* * *

The morning sunlight was not at all welcomed by Kensi, as she rolled onto her side and made a sound of protest.

Yawning, she wondered where she was. It wasn't her bedroom, either of them, yet it was filled with a familiar scent. The warmth beside her was suddenly noticeable, when she felt a shift on the mattress. Deeks' arm wrapped around her, and Kensi tried to work out if she was meant to sink into his embrace or flee. Deciding she was comfortable, Kensi merely exhaled and allowed herself that moment.

While she lay in his bed, Kensi considered how quickly things had changed again. He'd dropped her outside her place, and she'd asked him to stay. However, she'd woken in his bed instead of her own - Kensi lay there trying to remember why, as her mind left the fogginess of sleep.

A sound briefly startled her, and Kensi looked over to see Monty making his way towards her. She smiled when Monty stood on his hind legs to reach the mattress with his nose, resting his snout a short distance from her. He whined, and wagged his tail, as Kensi reached to scratch his ears. She remembered, now – Deeks hadn't wanted to leave Monty alone. Instead of Deeks heading to pick Monty up, then coming back to her apartment, the two partners had simply relocated from her place to his.

Kensi felt a bit guilty about hiding the truth from Deeks. She spent very little time at the apartment, but Kensi didn't think it felt right yet to tell him about the house and Jane. In fact, Kensi hadn't told anyone; not even her mother. It wasn't necessarily a huge secret, but it was a part of Kensi's life so entwined with her past that it would feel strange and scary for her to share it with anyone of the present.

Kensi was so ensconced with her thoughts that she hadn't noticed Deeks waking up or reaching for her. She jumped when his hand brushed the hair from her shoulder, but didn't face him, as she continued to give her attention to Monty. It wasn't until Deeks spoke that Kensi finally glanced in his direction, however briefly.

'Morning, Fern.' Deeks said.

He turned onto his back to see her properly, and gave her a lopsided grin. Yawning, Deeks sat up and watched, as she slid over to the edge of the bed where his furry dog stood on his hind legs to better reach the bed. Deeks was amused to observe how happy Monty was to have Kensi there in the morning. Deeks thought her presence was the best thing he could possibly wake up to.

'Sleep well?' He asked. Deeks felt as if he'd had the best night's sleep of his life.

Kensi merely shrugged in response. Her non-committal gesture was partially because she had slept really well, yet also partially because she had no idea what to say to him. Giving Monty almost all of her attention was simple, and without any confusion, which Kensi preferred for the moment.

Deeks shifted so he could see her better. In his opinion, she was the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen. Kensi was dressed in one of his shirts, with her bare legs tucked underneath her, while her brown hair flowed around her shoulders. The golden morning sunlight touched her form, and Deeks wondered if he was still dreaming. He then observed the way her hand absent-mindedly stroked through Monty's fur, and how she lightly chewed on her lower lip.

An uninvited pit of worry formed in his stomach.

'Do...Do you regret it?' Deeks asked.

'What?' Kensi halted her actions, much to Monty's disappointment, and turned to look at Deeks.

'Us.' Deeks held his breath when her gaze met his. 'Have you changed your mind? Do you...Not want a relationship with me?'

The word _"relationship"_ felt strange to him, as if it was being spoken for the first time in existence. Kensi inhaled a short breath when she heard the word, and Deeks had to avert his gaze in fear his anxiety would become too transparent.

'What? No...Why would you think that?' Kensi offered him a shy smile, then stood from the bed.

Deeks watched her walk across the room, with Monty padding at her heels, and enter the bathroom.

He exhaled, and got up to pull on some sweatpants. He walked to the bedroom door, but was unable to cross the threshold. He rested his head against the door-frame, then turned abruptly to approach the bedroom window. He parted the curtains further, and squinted at the bright sunlight, then returned to the doorway of the room. The bathroom door closed, and Monty whined as he rested his chin on the floor just outside the barrier.

Deeks took no notice; his mind begun to swarm with thoughts and doubts.

Kensi had wanted this, hadn't she? He hadn't overstepped; she had been the one to ask him to stay. Deeks knew she was disappointed about not being pregnant, but had she changed her mind entirely? He wished he could be angry at fate, or himself, for their unsuccessful attempt to make a baby, but Deeks simply didn't have the energy to.

After only a few minutes, he found himself doing something he hadn't done since he was a child: Deeks paced up and down the hallway just outside the bedroom, and started biting his nails. He stopped, walked into the living room, and rooted himself to the spot to stare unfocused through the window at the view of the ocean he sought calmness from.

'Deeks?'

He was startled when her hand rested lightly on his shoulder. The roles had been reversed; now Deeks was the one unable to fully turn to face her.

'I...I'm sorry.' He said, forcing himself to look in her direction.

Kensi was confused, and it showed on her face. She saw how sad and uncertain Deeks looked, and wondered if she'd made a mistake. Kensi wanted to be with him, but had he changed his mind - did he no longer want a baby, or her?

'I shouldn't have made you stay.' Kensi said, and pulled away from him.

She focused her brown eyes on the floor, unable to meet his gaze in effort to prepare herself for what she may have to do in order to protect herself - and to salvage what she could, if he'd indeed completely changed his mind.

'What? You never made me stay – I wanted to. God, how I've wanted to be with you for so long.' Deeks pulled her into his arms. He felt her stiffen for a moment, then relax into his embrace.

'I didn't realise, at first, how badly I wanted for it to happen. When it didn't, I saw the disappointment in your eyes, and I felt like I had let you down.' Kensi confessed, burying her face against his white shirt. It felt incredible to be held in his warm, supportive arms; she felt comfortable there – more comfortable than Kensi ever thought was possible.

Deeks leaned back and cupped her chin with his hand, lifting her face to meet his. The uncertainty and guilt displayed in her eyes spurred on his next words, which he had to make her believe. He had to let her know how much he meant what he was saying.

'You can never, ever disappointment me. You are everything to me, Kens.' Deeks said sincerely. 'I just thought you were upset with me. You wanted the baby so bad, we both did, and if I couldn't give you a baby, would you leave me?' He stepped back to give her the space to answer.

Deeks hoped she understood it wasn't just about their desire for a child - it was much more. Initially, they'd only thought of the baby. Now, things had evolved even in such a short period of time. Deeks wanted to wake beside her every morning, and to hold her in his arms for as long as possible. He wanted a future where they were together, and not just as partners.

Her eyes filled with tears, and Kensi fought the instinctual urge to hide her emotions. She didn't need to lock it away this time, she told herself; not with Deeks.

'I...I want this so bad. But I want it with you.' Kensi whispered.

The magnitude of their failed attempt fell on her shoulders again, as she wrapped her arms around herself protectively. Deeks stood close, and Kensi synced his actions by wrapping her arms around him. He held her protectively to his chest, and kissed her forehead.

'Let's not worry too much right now.' He told her, trying to offer reassurance. 'My mother always said, if a baby wants to be born than it will be. We can use this time to get to know each other better. I mean, we know each other really well at work – and God knows I can list all your favourite snacks without even thinking about it - but things are different now. You know I'd die for you, if our yummy yummy heart attack nights don't kill us first, but our habits at home...Maybe we need to work on that.' He said wisely.

'Like...?'

'Like, maybe you could stay with me for a while? We'll check on your place so you don't have to worry, but you could see what it's like being together. Then, maybe...' Deeks let his words trail off, unable to finish, as his nervousness caught up with him again.

He glanced up at the clock on the wall, and sighed. He wanted to ask her to move in, to live with him, let them try again for a child they could raise together – any child they had together, but he couldn't.

'Damn!' He swore, observing the wall clock. 'We're going to be late. You want the shower first?'

Kensi nodded, and thanked him, as she turned to rush down the hall.

She'd grabbed a bag the night before, making Deeks wait outside, but most of her clothes were back at the house so her packing options had been very limited. Kensi knew, with what Deeks had said earlier, that she was going to have to tell him the truth soon. A part of her wondered if her apartment was only to keep up appearances now; since she'd essentially moved back in with Jane almost a year ago. As bold a claim as it may be, Kensi was quite certain even Hetty didn't have the address on file or know about Jane. Those thoughts remained with her while she stepped under the warm stream of water, and allowed the shower to smooth the curls of her hair.

In the bedroom, Deeks sank against his side of the bed and listened as the shower turned on. He knew he had to convince Kensi to do this again. It wasn't just because he liked sleeping with her - he _loved_ sleeping with her; he loved watching TV with her, even the girly shows, and he just loved doing anything with Kensi that made her smile.

Deeks soon wondered, if she got pregnant, what their baby would be like. He closed his eyes and saw a small girl with curly blonde hair, her mismatched eyes, and his cheeky grin. It was a happy image, and he could almost hear the little girl giggling while she played. When she looked in his direction and said, _"__Daddy!",_ now with a brown-haired boy beside her, Deeks felt a flush of emotion for what could have been.

The word, however, seemed to reach his ears as well. Confused, he jerked his eyes open and focused on the site of Kensi standing just outside the bathroom. She was dressed in jeans, and a casual top, while she leaned against the doorway to watch him with a quizzical smile.

'What?' Deeks blinked. He shook his head, clearing his mind of thoughts he shouldn't allow.

'I said, the shower is ready.' Kensi said, her tone lightly laced with teasing. 'You look tired. I'll make you coffee.' She decided, and headed for the kitchen in the other room.

'Just the coffee machine!' Deeks called to her, while getting up to head for the bathroom. 'The rest of the kitchen isn't ready for you yet.'

'Ha. Ha.' She snarked back, turning the corner to reach the kitchen.

Despite her words, Kensi smiled and felt her mood lifting when her nervousness began to somewhat fade. Her mind still worried; a relationship itself was a lot for her to adapt to - except it was Deeks. Anyone else, and she'd have been out the door over an hour ago, but not with Deeks. For him, Kensi was keeping her cold feet in a pair of fluffy socks to help her walk across her frozen lake.

She moved around the kitchen, glad she was at least able to safely operate a coffee machine, and patiently waiting for Deeks to shower. Monty quietly anticipated her to feed him, from where he sat at her feet beside his bowls. Kensi did, and continued to watch him as Monty offered her a meaningful look.

'You think I should tell him, don't ya?' Kensi said softly. She bent to scratch behind his ear, then stepped back to let him eat. 'I will. Not yet, but I will.' She avowed.

Kensi resumed what she was doing, her mind tossing over when would be the right time to tell Deeks about Jane and the whole side of her life no one knew – not even her own mother, or Hetty. At least, Kensi didn't think Hetty knew - one could never be entirely certain with Henrietta Lange.

~ EB ~

By the time Deeks had showered, sort-of shaved, and dressed, he found Kensi standing at the front door with his _"to go" _mug of coffee. Monty rested comfortably on the couch, looking to have been fed and gone for his walk. Deeks wondered how Kensi had achieved so much for the five minutes he spent in the shower, or if somehow his shower had turned into a time machine without him noticing.

'Thank you, Dear.' Deeks commented cheekily, though the gratitude shone in his eyes.

When she aimed one of her brilliant smiles in his direction, the gravity beneath his feet felt oddly light than the day before. He grinned at her, and took the hot drink.

A smirk remained on his face, as he opened the door and led the way outside.

'Deeks!' Kensi growled, following him down the stairs – after locking the door behind them.

'Yes, Dear?' He asked innocently, looking up at her with his clear blue eyes.

'I'm driving.' She said, shaking her keys at him.

Deeks sighed theatrically, and stood to one side to let her pass him with her usual flair of bossy determination. It only made him grin wider.

'Oh, God.' He breathed, as she shot him another smile on her walk to the driver's side of the car.

The light mood of the moment rapidly vanished in a few seconds, as though a giant air vent sucked out all sense of calm and comfort. Deeks halted at the look on Kensi's face, and chilling dread filled him again.

'Kens?'

'Uh, I can't.' Kensi shook her head. 'I have to make a stop first. A private, non-Deeks stop.' She gave him a mocking dead-panned expression, hoping to hold onto what little playfulness was left in the moment.

'Really?' Deeks beamed at her, relieved by her continued confidence. 'Admit it, Kens, you just wanna call up your girlfriends and tell them how irresistibly awesome I am. And who could blame you? I'm just that amazing.'

'Yeah, as if.' Kensi snorted, though a slight blush appeared on her cheeks against her will.

'You didn't take any photos when I wasn't looking, did you?' Deeks continued. 'I wouldn't want anyone seeing the goods, but you.'

'Deeks.' Kensi rolled her eyes, trying to hold back her chuckle. 'That's not it. It's personal stuff. Private, personal stuff. Non-Deeks stuff, remember?'

'Ooh, so girl stuff?' Deeks didn't back down, enjoying the way they bantered like usual even when everything between them had either changed or evolved. 'Does this involve chocolate and tampons, cuz, you know, Kens, I'm a modern guy – I can get them for you.'

'Oh, that is _so_ not happening.' Kensi threatened, but could not prevent the short laughter from escaping her lips. 'Sam will walk around the bullpen in a pink tutu before THAT happens!'

'So, it's possible?' Deeks said cheekily, with a wide grin still gracing his features 'Be careful, partner – it almost sounded like you made a joke there that was actually funny.'

'I'm going now.' Kensi shook her head, feeling like an idiot for how giddy she was. 'Before I have to shoot you.'

'And risk harming this stunning body?' Deeks said, as he backed away from her car while she got into the driver's side. 'You'd only be hurting yourself, Kens. I can't let you do that.'

'Goodbye, Deeks.' Kensi rolled her eyes again, peering at him through the open window. 'I'll see you at work, partner.'

'You're going to stop for doughnuts, aren't you?' Deeks called to her when the engine started. 'That's what this is about! You're going to stop for doughnuts, and not get me any! That's just cold, Kens. I wouldn't ever do that to you, Honey.'

'You wouldn't _dare_.' Kensi corrected. 'Bye, Deeks.' She gave a brief wave, then turned out of the parking space and drove away.

Deeks watched her car fade into the distance, then released a long exhale.

He took a moment to absorb everything that had happened since they'd left work the night before, to waking up beside her, and now. Deeks worried he'd dreamed the whole thing, except his imagination had never been quite so incredible. It was real, and even without a baby – Deeks was happy with how things were going. Maybe this was supposed to happen instead – maybe they didn't need a baby yet? For now, Deeks had Kensi.

He was perfectly content with that.

* * *

After leaving Deeks' apartment, Kensi headed straight to the one place she considered to be her true home for now.

Parking incorrectly across the driveway, Kensi got out of the car while balancing her keys and coffee cup. Her teeth clenched the top of a doughnut bag, which contained her intended breakfast, and removed any ability she had to greet the elderly lady on the other side of the fence.

Reaching the front door, Kensi managed to unlock it without risking her breakfast or coffee, and hazardously strayed into the large entrance hallway. With a heavy huff of relief, she dropped her paper bag onto the small side-table she and Jane had put next the doorway for that exact purpose.

Kensi wandered along the hallway until she turned to the right into the kitchen. The answering machine rested on the pale kitchen counter, along with various other scattered objects; neither she nor Jane had much interest in cooking. Or skill, really, but that was another matter altogether. Kensi saw the flickering red light on the machine, announcing she had received a message while she'd been away. Sipping her coffee, and resting her elbows on the counter to stare at the machine, Kensi pressed the button to listen.

As she'd expected, Jane's carefree yet bossy voice flushed out the otherwise silence of the room. Traces of her Brooklyn accent were still detectable in her tone, though Kensi had known Jane for so long she hardly noticed the unique way in which her friend spoke.

"_Hey, Girl, you're not answerin the damn phone! You better be out with some smokin hot dude instead of hogging the couch watching Top Model."_ Jane said, to which Kensi merely rolled her eyes.

"_Anyway, I'm kinda in the middle of somethin - I'll keep this short.' _Jane continued. _'I'll be home in a couple of weeks so make sure you restock the ice cream. If I get home, and my freezer doesn't have ice cream, I won't be hearin any excuses. I gotta tell you, that creep what's-his-stupid-name has been callin me again – is there anythang you can do about it with your top secret job I'm not supposed to know nothing about? Oh, and this is probably a good time to tell you I need bail money. Do you mind sendin it as soon as you can? I'll pay you back when I get home. I gotta go, Mr Pudgy Officer here is givin me the evil eye. Whatever – just take care, Girl. I'll see you soon."_

With a click, the message ended.

Kensi straightened her posture, and pressed a button to save the message. She shook her head, sipping the last of her coffee, and huffed with partially amused annoyance.

It was going to be a long day.

~ EB ~

When Deeks arrived at work, he'd hoped to see Kensi already there. Even so, it wasn't unusual for him to walk in moments after Callen and Sam, but before Kensi. He was still rather cheerful, despite how coming into work had resurfaced the reality of the situation, as Deeks walked to his desk and sat down. He glanced at the other two, unsure what to say or if he should risk talking, and merely fussed with his paperwork.

Before either Sam or Callen had the chance to comment on his lack of chatter, Kensi came hurrying inside as if in a disastrous rush. She walked to Deeks' desk, and dropped a bakery bag in front of him, before she darted to her own desk.

'Am I seeing this right?' Callen snorted.

'This is definitely a first.' Sam added, leaning back in his chair slightly, as he observed the pair.

'Deeks is quiet.' Callen continued.

'Kensi brought him a doughnut.' Sam joined.

'And they both completely ignored us.' Callen pretended to be offended, whereas he was clearly enjoying himself. 'What, no doughnut for us?'

'How do you know it's a doughnut?' Deeks questioned, equally surprised by Kensi's gesture. He warily reached for the white paper bag. 'It could be a pastry hybrid. A variant of French flat bread. Or a stuffed snake. Or a bomb.'

'It's a doughnut.' Callen nodded confidently, and glanced at Kensi. 'You still have nothing to say?'

'About what?' Kensi asked, distracted, as she scribbled down some notes on a piece of paper.

'Doughnut.' Sam nodded, watching Deeks lift out his deliciously fresh cinnamon doughnut.

'I bet there were another four in this bag.' Deeks chuckled, raising the doughnut to inhale its warm scent. 'What is this going to cost me, Partner?' He then joked, looking across the bullpen at his oddly focused...What was she now? His girlfriend? Deeks certainly hoped so, but they hadn't gotten that far in their discussions for him to be sure yet.

His bantering dropped slightly when he saw how intensely she was trying to shut them all out, but didn't want to be too obvious in her actions.

'Nothing.' Kensi said simply, keeping her eyes on her desk.

With a dreading sigh, she reached for her desk phone and gradually pressed each number in hope of delaying the process.

'Now I really want a doughnut.' Callen sulked.

'You had bacon and waffles this morning.' Sam pulled a face of disapproval. 'Isn't that the same thing? You need a proper breakfast, G. I still don't understand how your cholesterol isn't sky high by now.'

'What terrifying world do you live in where bacon, waffles, and doughnuts are the same thing?' Callen stared at his partner, as if he didn't know who Sam was or where he'd come from.

'Guys, shh!' Kensi growled. 'Hello? Yes, yes. Mathew Glock, he's a-Yeah, I _know_ it's a fake name.' She said, and shoved some scrunched balls of paper off her desk into the trash bin beside her. She pretended not to care that the others were watching her with intrigue, though she often squirmed with discomfort.

'Boyfriend?' Callen attempted to guess with Sam.

Deeks tensed at the word. He tried to give his doughnut attention, rather than eavesdrop, but he couldn't help himself.

'No.' Sam shook his head, watching Kensi carefully. 'Too serious. Too irritated.'

'Ex-boyfriend, then?'

'Regretful associate, maybe?' Sam assumed.

'Aren't they the same thing?' Callen frowned.

'Not to a woman.' Nell said, walking into the room. 'What's going on?' She noticed Deeks acting as if one doughnut was his whole world, whereas the other pair were intently observing Kensi while the agent talked on the phone.

'Mystery caller.' Sam answered.

'Not a boyfriend.' Callen added.

'Oh.' Nell stood beside Callen's desk and glanced at Kensi as well.

The smaller woman narrowed her hazel eyes in inability to resist an intellectually-charged challenge. She crossed her arms over her chest while she observed the scene, which was a habit Nell had recently been doing more frequently.

Sam continued to watch Kensi, whereas Callen's blue gaze drifted over to the ginger-haired woman standing beside him. He saw Nell's expression change, and knew she had figured it out or else had an educated guess so good she may as well have figured it out.

'Well?' He prodded.

'Uh, can't say.' Nell said simply, shaking her head. 'Women's code.'

'That's a real thing?' Callen creased his expression, looking to Sam for confirmation - since his partner was married.

'It's a real thing.' Sam nodded, displeased.

'You know who Kensi is calling?' Callen asked Nell.

'Nope.' Nell shook her head, offering Callen a sly smile.

Callen never knew if that particular expression on her face was maddening or thrilling - it was Nell's way of letting him see she knew more than she was saying, and whatever it was he'd probably rather know.

'But I know what it's about.' With her parting words, Nell turned and walked away without explaining why she'd ventured into the bullpen at all.

Callen, distracted from Kensi, watched Nell ascend the stairs, aware that she'd joined them around the time she was usually calling them up for a case. Or Eric was. The room remained whistle-free - and with Nell back up in Ops, Callen returned his interest to the bullpen.

'I don't care!' Kensi ranted on the phone.

The stress and contained fury in her tone finally earned Kensi Deeks' undivided attention. He recognised her protectiveness, and suddenly Deeks didn't like being at the same level of knowledge as the others were when it came to Kensi. He tried to work out if he'd missed something she'd said recently, or how he could have overlooked another sign that more was on Kensi's mind than just their unsuccessful attempt to have a baby. It confused him at first, then Deeks felt ashamed for assuming he was all Kensi had on her mind lately.

He wanted to ask her about it, but knew the open work area was not the place to do so.

'I. Don't. Care.' Kensi pronounced firmly. 'Get Thompson on it. The guy is still stalking her! I don't know how he's getting her number, but he is. Deal with it.' She slammed the phone receiver down into its place.

Exhaling a breath to prevent her urge to throw it across the room instead, Kensi wished she didn't have to make that call at work with the others all around her. Kensi wanted to figure out why Jane was still having trouble with her stalker, after what they'd done to handle it last time, and would do anything to keep Jane safe.

Kensi owed Jane her life, and more.

What she didn't like, however, was how uncomfortable she felt under the scrutiny of the others. Kensi could have waited, she knew, but was deliberately trying not to be secretive. She'd kept it to herself for so long, and the phone call was supposed to be her first step to getting the truth out. A swell of panic and survival instincts made her second-guess if she could go through with it.

'You good?' Deeks asked.

Kensi looked up to see he was watching her with more attentiveness than the other two. Deeks was worried and confused, and it only made her feel worse. She had to tell him, Kensi knew, but wasn't sure when would be the right time. Deeper down, Kensi wondered if there was ever a right time for certain things or if it was merely her excuse to stay enveloped by the security of no one knowing the full extent of her past. She kept Jane, the house, and everything that came with it to herself because that way Kensi felt it would never change. She didn't want the present altering her past – it scared her that everything she'd ever known would no longer be kept entirely for herself and Jane, as if the present world would taint it.

'I'm good.' Kensi nodded, then glanced back at the papers disorganised on her desk in front of her.

She had a lot to sort through, mentally and emotionally, but Kensi was soon distracted from it all when she instead focused on the lovely night before. She yawned into her hand and sighed, wishing she'd bought more than just doughnuts for breakfast. Kensi felt strange all of a sudden, but didn't think much of it. A lot had happened recently, and she assumed it was just the ordeal of it all. Looking over at Deeks, who continued to watch her (much to the amusement of Callen and Sam), Kensi offered him a genuine smile.

For now, she was content.

Whatever happened next - whatever came their way, Kensi and Deeks were determined to get through it – _together._

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Thank you! Is anyone looking forward to meeting Jane, and/or finding out how she's involved in Kensi's life? I would really apreciate your feedback, so please take a moment to review and let me know what you thought.


	3. Something Different

**Author's Notes:** _Jane will make her first official appearance in the next chapter. You may notice, with this story, that each chapter will generally have a different focus. Same overall story, but some might be more centered on Densi or others Nallen, or sometimes neither and it's about other characters. Unlike most of my stories, I wanted to do this with this one in particular - there's a lot more characters in this story (with shorter chapters than I usually prefer), and more plots going on - so I wanted to explore those journeys from many angles._

Thanks again to every single one of my reviewers and readers. For those who asked for more Nallen on my Twitter, I found it amusing because I had already been working on a considerable amount for this chapter, since the last two were Densi. Anyway, enjoy!

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**~ Something Different ~**

Nell was agitated.

She'd arrived at work two hours ago with a routine set in her mind, which she still had to carry out, and yet all of it hardly mattered now. How could she make sense of her work when her own mind was betraying her? How could she locate a bad guy when she felt lost inside herself? It had taken five minutes for her entire resolve to crumble, and it was all because of a single agent. She wanted to blame Kensi, who was probably truly at fault, yet it was Callen who had wound Nell's nerves tightly with only a few words.

A shouting match with Kensi could hardly compare to the uttered breaths from Callen.

'Nell?' Eric's voice startled her so much Nell had to grip the back of her chair, which she stood behind, to steady herself.

Nell didn't speak, or turn to face him, as she clenched her hands over the smooth material of her seat. The chair she sat in each day, typing away at her keyboard. The chair where she seated beside her partner, Eric Beale, and yet did not share the same level of intensity the other agents did with their partners. The chair, her chair, was no longer an item to be sat on – it was an entrapment that guaranteed the same flow of action each day. The same similar tasks, directed swerves, and generally-set height adjustments. It was all the same, everyday. Callen was right, and Nell hated it. She hated that he could walk in and say only a few words, with one small grin, then walk right back out – and yet disrupt everything.

She was furious.

'Nell?' Eric repeated, sounding very concerned now. 'You okay?'

'No.' Nell stated simply, her gaze fixed in front of her. 'No, I'm not.'

Finally, she turned and surprised Eric with her angered expression. She didn't explain, or reassure him he had done nothing wrong. Instead, Nell marched out of the room she felt was suffocating her this morning.

She reached the railing beside the top of the stairs and changed direction to position herself so she had a better overhead look of the bullpen. Kensi was shuffling papers in an annoyed manner, likely still feeling guilty about her loud discussion with Nell earlier. Sam was trying to ignore Kensi, while he typed dutifully at his computer. Deeks sat beside him, fiddling with his phone, while occasionally glancing warily across the room at Kensi.

Nell set her gaze on Callen, who lounged casually back in his chair with his boots propped up on his desk.

As if he sensed her staring, Callen turned to look over at Nell with a perplexed expression. Worry crossed his face for a brief moment, and Nell hurriedly looked away.

Embarrassment flushed her face, and she quickly made her way down the stairs. She headed away from the bullpen, and tried not to be paranoid about the sound of footsteps behind her. Bursting into a storage room, Nell inhaled a calming breath and forced her mind back on track. She had things to do, and others depended on her for the answers to their current case – but who did Nell turn to when she needed answers?

Who did she have to rely on when her brain had forsaken her?

'Nell?'

Immediately, a gasp escaped her lips when she heard the voice at the reopened door. Back in Ops, Eric had questioned with concern and uncertainty. Now, in the much smaller storage room with cardboard boxes instead of computer screens, Callen's voice was different. Curiosity was strongest, but Nell sensed his patience. It seemed impossible, as her back was turned and he'd only spoken her name, yet it was what her brain provided her with.

Slowly, she turned. Slowly, she raised her hazel green eyes from the floor to meet his blue ones. He stared back at her, waiting; Nell felt her anger fading and flaring in undecided conflict within her heart.

'You had no right to say that to me.' Nell stated plainly.

Callen opened his mouth to ask her what she was talking about, then his befuddlement turned to understanding, as she continued to stand firmly in front of him. He looked her over, making Nell feel only slightly self-conscious, then nodded.

'It's true.' Callen said, matching her previous tone. 'You would make a great agent.'

'That's not fair.' Nell frowned at him, fidgeting, as she moved her hands at her sides.

She smoothed the material of her black pants against her legs, but wasn't sure what to do with her hands. They longed to be useful, to aide her mind in its search for control and answers, but Nell wouldn't allow it.

'That's not my job.' She sighed, pressing her lips tightly together. Nell glared at him, like she would a puzzle with all the wrong pieces, and awaited his explanation.

'I wasn't talking about your job.' Callen shrugged, far less bothered by the situation than she was.

She become uncomfortable to notice he had not overlooked the seriousness of the moment, in full awareness of how she was poorly handling the honest compliment he'd given her in Ops earlier. Callen took a step closer, and Nell tried to stand taller. This amused him, though he kept his expression professional to not disrespect her agitation towards the topic at hand.

'I was talking about your potential.' Callen confirmed.

'I know.' Nell exhaled the breath she'd been holding. 'My skills. My observation-based tactics and analytics. My logic – what I can do, and what I can learn. It's true, I have the potential, but-'

'It's not your job.' Callen guessed, smiling again. 'Is that the truthful answer? The solution?'

'No.' Nell ducked her head with shame. 'How do you know this? How-?' She looked at him, surprising Callen by her level of desperation to know how he saw a side of herself he hadn't realised Nell had been so fearfully protective of.

'I don't...' Callen halted, unsure again, and averted his eyes from her intense gaze. In honesty, he'd had no idea. 'I don't know.'

Nell inhaled a sharp breath, and turned sideways away from him. She touched the tips of her thumbs to her forehead in direct parallel to her closed eyes. He didn't have the answer, so Nell had to figure one out. She needed certainty, and facts, but panic settled in when she wasn't able to formulate a proper explanation.

'Nell?' Callen took another step closer. Too close, as it broke her thought process, and she blinked to look at him. 'You don't always have to have all the answers.'

'Yes, I do!' Nell quickly shut her mouth after speaking, realising she'd let slip her agitated tone. She calmed herself, and rubbed her hands slowly over themselves in effort to do something.

'No, you don't.' Callen lowered his tone, looking downwards at her. 'Sometimes, you just gotta wing it. Jump the tree branch even if you can't see the ground below.'

'I can't form the connection between what you said then and what you're saying now.' Nell frowned, trying to work out what the tree branch scenario had to do with the compliment regarding her making a good agent.

'Distraction logic.' Callen told her. 'A thought within a thought – you taught me that.'

Nell had no response.

She was getting a headache, and continuously turned her hands in search of a useful task to give them. She couldn't deny that his close proximity was having an impact of her level of concentration towards her own thoughts and logic. He was a distraction, and Nell did not like distractions. Why, then, couldn't she move away? Why was she no longer angry at him? Why were they inside a small enclosed space while standing at close range?

Nell blushed in sudden realisation of their predicament.

'Here.' Callen reached for one of her hands, carefully holding it within his own.

He watched her reaction carefully, then lowered her enclosed hand towards his belt. He saw her blush, but he waited for Nell to realise his intentions. Callen brought her hand to the side of his hip, where her fingertips made contact with his gun.

She narrowed her eyes at the black object, then understood. Taking control, Nell unlatched the gun from its holster and lifted it. She watched Callen, and saw the trust in his blue gaze. She'd heard about partners trusting each other with their weapons, and recalled an incident between Kensi and Deeks years back when they hadn't been at the stage yet.

In that moment, Nell realised this was something special.

It was something she couldn't share with Eric, despite him supposedly being her partner. And yet, here she was in a storage closet, sharing it with Callen. She blushed again, and gripped the weapon in her hands. Holding it properly, but refusing to aim it in his direction, Nell raised it, and exhaled a slow breath.

'You're right.' Nell acknowledged, feeling calm and rational once again - she'd discovered her answers. 'I thought field work wasn't satisfying enough. I underestimated my own adrenaline, my own...'

'Thrill?' Callen supplied the word. 'Admit it, you're an action junkie just like the rest of us.'

'No.' Nell shook her head, looking to him again with a small smile. 'I won't admit it.'

'Will you do me a favour? Well, do yourself a favour more like it.' Callen asked, accepting his offered gun and re-holstered it.

'Sure.' Nell said, biting back her desire to have all the facts before making a decision. She could tell by the look in his eyes that it was not ill-intending, so she accepted the responsibility beforehand in knowledge that Callen had never led her astray.

'When there's something big going on, something that can't be easily explained.' Callen paused and met her gaze again. 'Something not relating to work, but to you, will you wing it?'

'Wing...What?' Nell wondered, unsure which sort of scenario he was referring to.

She did not like it, though, because Nell Jones did not do that – she HAD to have the facts and answers to make informed decisions. She needed to know which path was the right one; not jump from a branch without seeing the ground below first-hand. Nell also would have judged the distance and angle from the branch as well, while calculating her own weight and speed.

'Anything.' Callen told her. 'Take a jump. You might surprise yourself. Actually, I know you will.' He nodded.

'Why-?'

Nell didn't get to ask her question, as his hands closed around hers again. She felt warmth this time, and the thrill he'd mentioned earlier. Tightly pressing her lips together once again, Nell watched as his thumb rubbed the back of her hand for a moment, then he let go. She felt something against her skin, and opened her hand to see a slightly faded blue spinning top resting motionless on her palm.

'Hey, we got a...' Eric appeared at the doorway, then halted when he saw the scene in front of him.

Callen and Nell stood hardly a foot apart; she was staring mesmerised at her hand, while Callen hissed at the interruption and glared upwards.

'Uh, a lead.' Eric cleared his throat, feeling awkward. 'We got a lead.'

'Go away, Eric.' Callen grumbled.

'Okay. I'll just...' Eric nodded and hurried from the room.

'So that's what that feels like.' Nell muttered, watching Eric leave.

Callen looked back at her; Nell raised the aged child's toy to his face, clearly demanding an explanation.

'Does a top spin on water?' He asked her.

'Of course not.' Nell scoffed, knowing the wooden one he had given her was a very old-fashioned toy and would not hold up to the momentum required for it to remain above water whilst spinning. 'The force needed to start the spinning, and the gravity of solid against water, doesn't equalise. The speed of the top's friction cannot possibly match that needed to float balanced on the water, let alone-'

'This one does.' Callen said.

'It's impossible.' Nell frowned, as if he was insulting her.

Callen smiled at her in smugness to finally give her the look she always gave him – he knew something she didn't, and he wasn't about to give it away. Turning, he left the closet to head up to Ops and find out what Eric deemed to be worthy of an interruption.

Nell remained where she was, unable to work out what had happened.

Of course, she could catalogue the entire scene in her mind and retell it exactly as it occurred, if needed, yet she was left feeling a sense of unexplained ease. She didn't have answers; in fact, she had more questions than before. Her mind was less erratic, but only to give the classification to her heartbeats instead. Somehow, as Nell stood alone in the storage closet with a toy spinning top held gently in her hands, knowledge wasn't essential. In that moment, something special had occurred - even though Nell wasn't sure why it was so important.

Whatever it was, Nell knew there was one thing she could be absolutely certain of: G Callen was the only distraction she would ever knowingly allow.

And now, she had to get back to work – to her job. That was what mattered, she told herself, though the faded blue toy was pocketed with great care - as if made of the most fragile form of glass rather than aged wood. She would decipher it's significance later, and why Callen gave her what was clearly one of a few memorabilia from his childhood.

Nell had a strange feeling she already knew the answer.

~ EB ~

Eric had called them up to Ops several minutes ago, but Kensi still hadn't left the bullpen.

She knew the others were waiting for her, but she also knew Nell hadn't joined them yet either. Kensi lingered by the lattice, her arms crossed over her chest, and waited for the ginger-haired analyst to appear. Finally spotting Nell leaving a corridor Kensi knew led only to storage rooms and bathrooms, Kensi pushed away from the lattice and approached her friend.

'Hey.' Kensi said, still experiencing guilt about her argument with Nell earlier.

'Oh. Hey.' Nell glanced up at her, a bit surprised.

'Look, Nell, about before...' Kensi fidgeted uncomfortably. 'I was really out of line.'

'Yeah.' Nell nodded in agreement, though she showed no signs of resentment or further annoyance. She understood Kensi hadn't meant her words, and Nell could tell her friend was genuinely sorry for being unnecessarily harsh and angry.

What Nell didn't know, however, was the cause for Kensi's outburst.

'I don't know what came over me.' Kensi huffed, frustrated at herself for such unprofessional behaviour towards her friend. 'I just don't like people stopping by my apartment without warning me first.'

'You never minded before.' Nell pointed out curiously. 'I tried to call.'

'I know.' Kensi sighed. 'I know, I just...'

'Where were you?' Nell wondered. 'If you don't mind me asking?'

She and Kensi usually talked a lot more than they had been lately. It was months since they'd even hung out together outside of work, which was why Nell had stopped by the night before. Kensi had said, when she was leaving work, that she was going straight home.

And yet, she hadn't been there last night.

'I was at home.' Kensi said, without thinking. 'I mean-' She winced, seeing Nell's disbelieving look in realisation of her mistake.

'Hellooo?'

Both girls jumped and looked over at the stairs, seeing Eric standing there. He waved his arms impatiently and stormed back to Ops.

'Someone just got in trouble by Hetty.' Nell mused.

'Yeah. We better go before we join him.' Kensi shuddered at the thought of Hetty being unhappy with them. 'I'm really sorry for being crazy, though.'

'I forgive you.' Nell nodded on the walk to the stairs. 'We weren't yourself.'

'Yeah, I must've slept funny.' Kensi said, though she doubted that was it. She'd spent almost every night with Deeks since they'd decided to start a relationship; each time, every morning, she woke well-rested and comfortable.

'Or you're coming down with something?' Nell theorised, trying to be helpful. She could easily list off twenty different reasons that may or may not apply to Kensi specifically, but she tried anyway. 'You're moody, and snacking more. Did you have a bad break-up recently?'

'No.' Kensi scoffed. 'No, maybe I'm just...Pregnant?'

'What?' Nell halted near the top step and spun around to stare at her taller friend.

'What?' Kensi frowned, then shook her head adamantly. 'No, no...I'm talking crazy again. I don't know why I thought that. It's one of those usual things every woman panics about when things aren't right, right?'

'Sure.' Nell nodded. 'It's entirely common. But, you know, you're sure that's not it?'

'I'm sure.' Kensi nodded with a forced smile, trying not to picture her negative pregnancy test from last week. 'C'mon, before Hetty comes out to tell us off. I'd rather not be grounded for the next month.'

'Right.' Nell grimaced at the thought and hurried ahead.

'About time.' Callen stated when the pair finally joined them in Ops.

'We were about to send out a search party.' Deeks added. 'What were you doing? Painting nails? Starting a Marty Deeks fan club?'

'Oh, shut up.' Kensi grumbled, moving to stand beside Sam. She faced the screen to wait for Eric to fill them in, including Nell, and tried to focus on the case.

Kensi kept tossing her own words through her mind, wondering why she'd automatically thought being pregnant might be a cause for her added moodiness and tiredness lately. It wasn't really noticeable, until moments like that morning when Nell had started a perfectly average conversation - only for Kensi to behave irrationally. She shouldn't have been mad, yet Kensi felt it was justified at the time.

Now she was just confused.

For a short moment, Kensi almost wished she'd never agreed to have a baby with Deeks – since the night they'd tried to conceive, everything had changed. She felt unsure of herself and her life - Kensi didn't like feeling that way. Convinced it was all of those changes that were throwing her off balance, not something she'd already proved wasn't true, Kensi shrugged off her concerns and resumed her focus on the case of a missing Arms Dealer. She reminded herself she had a job to do, and that's what she should be worried about – not a few mood swings and odd sleepiness at random times of the day.

Sensing she was being watched, Kensi glanced around Ops to see Deeks staring back at her. He was concerned too, though likely because he'd tried to talk about their _"thing" _the night before and Kensi had carefully shut him down. It had only been a week - Kensi wasn't prepared to go into detail yet. She was still scared, and contemplative, but Kensi felt proud for at least letting him know. Deeks agreed to be patient with her, and Kensi held onto that. She couldn't avoid it forever, but for now Kensi felt she needed to sort herself out first.

She had to get back to who she'd been before the baby agreement - Kensi wanted to be herself again.

'Kensi and I will go.' Callen's voice broke Kensi from her thoughts.

She looked up, noticing the way Callen watched her. Kensi nodded in confirmation; she was almost relieved for a change of pace brought on by partnering with Callen for a task, and moved to the door to wait for him.

'Sam, check with the wife again. Eric, the traffic cams. Nell...' Callen looked at her, and paused, with an almost-invisible smile parting his lips. 'Go with Sam.'

'What?' Nell narrowed her eyes at him. 'In the field? What about the phone records?'

'Deeks can do it.' Callen nodded.

'I can?' Deeks asked, surprised by his unpredicted instruction. 'I mean, right. Yeah, of course. I can do that.' He nodded, sounding momentarily unsure of himself until he shrugged it off.

'Okay.' Nell said slowly, looking to Sam.

'Can we go now?' Kensi asked Callen when he didn't move, his gaze lingering on Nell.

'Yeah.' Callen turned and left Ops with Kensi, feeling proud of himself for trying to prove his point to Nell.

All he needed was to send her off with Sam, who will also see her potential and likely point it out to her or the others afterwards. Callen wasn't trying to push Nell into becoming an agent, as he'd never do that to her, but he didn't want her to overlook her own potential. He'd seen how good she could be in the field, and Callen wanted everyone else to acknowledge it as well.

'I'm driving.' Kensi announced as they stepped outside.

'Hell no.' Callen insisted. 'Not gonna make that mistake again.'

'Seriously, what is wrong with my driving?' Kensi huffed, yet conceded to sit in the passenger seat.

'Driving?' Callen teased. 'Is that what they told you it was?'

Kensi rolled her eyes at him, and did up her seatbelt. She sighed with defeat and looked through the window, as he drove them out into the streets of Los Angeles. It was a welcome shift of her focus, and Callen was a lot like her when it came to a lack of need to have a conversation while driving.

He was content to sit in quiet, just as Kensi was.

When they were slowed down by traffic, much to Callen's instant complaint, Kensi turned on the radio for a distraction. The volume was low, and set to nothing annoying, but it served the purpose of diverting their irritation away from the traffic. Both Kensi and Callen were the sort of people who would not take kindly to being stuck in traffic, which is why they often took any measures necessary to avoid it.

'You okay, Kenz?' Callen asked, still glaring at the car in front of him.

'I'm fine.' Kensi replied automatically.

'Sam says you've been on edge.' Callen added casually.

'I'm just tired.' Kensi shrugged. 'Some of us actually need sleep, you know?'

Callen chuckled at her response, but didn't return the banter. He didn't use humour to communicate like Deeks did, and yet he could tell Kensi was expecting him to tease her back. It was interesting, as he wondered if the majority of Kensi's communication was now related to Deeks. Remembering how more closed off and serious she'd been before Deeks had joined the team, Callen knew he was right.

She anticipated further avoidance of the topic at hand, or for it to be eased into discussion through humour. Normally, Callen respected that because he often did something similar, but this time he was genuinely worried about her. He'd mark it off as being the Team Leader who had to ensure everyone was able to perform their duties to the best of their abilities and focus. Truthfully, he couldn't stop thinking about how quiet she'd been over a week ago. He'd offered to be there if she needed to talk, and Callen wasn't going to overstep, but he couldn't hold his silence in forever when something was clearly bothering her - and Kensi didn't appear to be dealing with it.

'So, you're not sleeping?'

'What's with all the questions?' Kensi asked defensively. 'I said, I'm fine.'

'I'm just concerned, that's all.' Callen raised his hands in surrender, then placed them back on the wheel when the traffic began to move again. Taking her hint to shut up, Callen tapped his fingers against the steering wheel while he drove them across town to talk to a witness again.

Kensi was relieved for the returned familiarity, and wondered what had gotten into Callen – she could usually rely on him to be like her, and therefore the one less likely to check she's okay. She returned her interest to the window, and drummed her fingers against her leg in tune with the music on the radio.

After a few minutes, Kensi realised something was wrong. She tried to shake it off, but the odd feeling continued to spread through her. Drawing in a panicked breath, Kensi knew she couldn't ignore it any longer.

'Stop the car.' Kensi abruptly demanded. 'Callen, Stop!'

Callen obeyed without hesitation, causing the tyres to screech loudly on the road. He didn't even pull over when he'd heard the urgency in her tone; Callen put the car into a halt exactly as she'd asked. He quickly looked in her direction, alarmed and instinctively prepared to reach for his weapon, but Kensi had already left the vehicle.

Deciding he didn't care if his car was parked in the middle of a street; Callen snatched the keys, and got out to follow her.

Callen wondered where she went, and how Kensi could move so fast. He soon spotted her slip into an alley across the road. Callen sensed the situation wasn't dangerous, so his weapon remained holstered - Kensi hadn't gotten hers out either. Callen hurried after her, and peered into the alley, utterly bewildered about what was going on. She was bent over an open dumpster; the heaving sounds she made left little to the imagination. Callen was confused; she'd given no indication of being sick at all that day. Yet there she was, heaving her entire lunch into the open dumpster.

'Kens?' Callen worried when she stopped.

'Oh, my God.' Kensi gasped, turning to press her back against the side of the dark blue bin. She slid to the ground, and wrapped her arms around her legs.

Callen was completely baffled.

He had no idea how to react to this side of Kensi – she looked so lost, and unsure, that he was completely thrown off balance. He was convinced she'd forgotten he was there – surely Kensi Blye would never have willingly allowed anyone to see her in such a vulnerable state? Callen had never seen her like this before; not in all the years they'd worked together. He'd seen her cry, and comforted her on occasions, but never had Kensi looked so fragile as she huddled in the filthy alley.

She gave the appearance of someone whose entire world was falling apart around her.

'G?'

Callen blinked, unconvinced if he'd heard her correctly at first, then took a step forward. He was utterly in new territory, but knew he was needed right now. Whatever it was, something big was going on with Kensi and he had to be there to help her. Her use of his first name, or what he had deemed to be his first name as he had not idea what followed that letter, Callen approached her in hope of being able to somehow help her.

'Yeah?'

'You remember when I asked if I could talk to you later, if I needed to?' Kensi asked quietly, though her composure was beginning to recognisably emerge.

'I'm here.' Callen nodded, moving to sit beside her.

He wasn't sure how he knew it was the right thing to do, but it was. The case could be damned, for all he cared, and so could his car that was still parked in the middle of the street. All that mattered right then was how broken and lost his friend was. He didn't have a lot of friends, so he was fiercely protective of those few he did have.

Kensi needed him right now, and Callen couldn't ignore that even if he'd tried.

'What's going on?' Callen encouraged.

'I think...' Kensi shook her head at the impossibility of it, but she simply could not disband it any longer.

She didn't know how, but her body was telling her it was possible. Something felt different, and no matter how much she tried to rationalise or dismiss it, Kensi knew it was the most likely reason behind everything she'd been trying to make sense of lately. She'd considered it after two days, but then scolded herself for jumping to conclusions.

Kensi explained away everything she felt, until the moment she'd lost her lunch into the dumpster.

Inhaling a nervous breath, lacking in any certainty or confidence, Kensi turned slowly to look at Callen. She could see he was worried, and shocked, but her friend and fellow agent patiently waited for her to brace herself to continue. Kensi didn't want to say it aloud. It couldn't be true, could it? The test had been negative! Suddenly, a chill crept up her spine when Kensi replayed the night she'd told Deeks about the negative test result.

She finally realised what had been missing during that second night of intimacy that followed the news – it made her suspected predicament all the more possible and real.

'I think I might be pregnant.'


	4. Waiting

**Author's Notes:** I apologise if I haven't been able to reply to all of my reviewers, but thanks to each and every one of you for your feedback. Also note that this is both a Deeks/Kensi story and a Nell/Callen story. This is Jane's first official entry into this story - I based her appearance and tone/general traits off two of Alicia Key's roles (The Life of Bees + Nanny Diaries), but the character herself is my OC. As of this chapter, she's a main character in this story too.

Thank you everyone for being here right now. Please check out my profile for useful links for updates on my stories and otherwise. Enjoy!

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**~ Waiting ~**

Callen was in a tough position.

He walked boldly into the Mission with a stern expression set upon his face. Sam spotted him from his desk and knew right away something was going on. Deeks only noticed the absence of Kensi, and quickly rose to question it.

'Family emergency.' Callen stated to Deeks, before the detective had the chance to ask why Kensi hadn't returned with him 'She'll be out of town for a few days.'

'What?' Deeks was baffled.

He slowly dropped back into his chair, and an expression of momentary hurt cross his face. His phone buzzed, and Deeks quickly reached for it. Kensi had sent him a message of apology for leaving so abruptly, but promised she'd call him when she can.

'Focus on the case.' Callen instructed. 'Where are we?'

The case hardly mattered. Callen listened to the details enough to be able to recite them when needed - otherwise his interest was elsewhere. LAPD had brought in the missing Arms Dealer, which was a relief, and Callen sent Sam off with Deeks to interrogate him.

Callen's mind just wasn't in it.

Sinking into his desk chair, within the now-empty bullpen, Callen released a long breath of anticipation. He rubbed his hand over his face, and frowned at the situation presented to him. Callen wished he could say he had more knowledge now, but the only fact was how Kensi had recoiled back behind her walls shortly after her admittance that she might be pregnant.

She clearly wanted to talk to him about it, but Callen recognised Kensi still needed time. He'd helped her up off the ground, and directed her back to his car. They'd continued on with their job, and afterwards he dropped Kensi at her apartment.

She'd agreed to take a couple of days off to bide her time until she could take a pregnancy test. They both knew she wouldn't be able to safely perform her duties at work with her mind so distracted, though Callen was surprised when she didn't fight him on it. Kensi was emotionally exhausted, and it was very clear to him that she needed those days away from any added stress.

He also promised his silence; this was her secret to share, not his. Callen respected that.

'Gum for your thoughts?'

Callen chuckled as he glanced at Nell, who offered him a packet of freshly opened chewing gum.

'That's all my thoughts are worth?' He joked. 'A single strip of gum?'

'I was out of pennies.' Nell shrugged with a smile. 'You look stressed.'

'Yeah.' Callen stretched back in his seat and exhaled. 'Life is stressful.'

'That it is.' Nell agreed. 'The gum is still on offer, if you want to talk about it?'

Callen couldn't understand how easily she was able to lift his mood, and he was almost tempted to vent to Nell. She'd be able to make better sense of the situation than he could, Callen was certain, but he couldn't ask it of her.

Kensi trusted him for his silence.

'It's not me.' He said.

'Kensi?' Nell guessed. 'She's not here, and she doesn't have family out of town.'

'You heard that?' Callen glanced at her. Nell scared him sometimes with how she seemed to just know things – like Hetty.

'I heard Deeks complaining about it.' Nell smiled with amusement. 'Is she okay?'

'That's up to Kensi.' Callen sighed, pulling his chair closer to his desk. 'All we can do is wait and see how it all turns out.'

Nell sat on the edge of his desk, and popped a piece of gum into her mouth. It was her way of offering her support even if he wasn't able to talk to her about what was bothering him. Nell could probably only afford to be there for a couple of minutes, before she was needed back in Ops again, but those few minutes meant a lot to him.

'You don't like waiting.' Nell said, amused.

'No, I don't.' Callen grumbled, giving the stack of paperwork in front of him a disgruntled look. 'Waiting for an outcome I can't do anything about is almost as bad as filling out these incident reports.'

'That bad, huh?' Nell chuckled, though she agreed with him.

'Yeah.' Callen sighed again.

Although, quietly, he was fairly confident Kensi wouldn't feel the same way. He could only imagine what she must be dealing with, and that gave him the determination to wait it out with little complaint. And if he had to vent, Callen would blame it on the paperwork.

In his mind, that was perfectly justified.

* * *

Waiting was not something Kensi was agreeable to in any situation.

After being dropped off at her apartment, she'd called for a cab right away. She'd been so close to giving Callen her real address, but guilt crushed down the thought. She already told Callen about her possible pregnancy, something which Deeks didn't even know yet, and Kensi wasn't going to tell Callen about the house as well before Deeks did.

As she wandered towards the house, Kensi thought about what happened in the alley. She might still be over-reacting, but the possibility of being pregnant was certainly there. And she'd confessed the possibility to Callen. That part confused her. It should have been Deeks; why wasn't her partner and boyfriend the first person she reached out to?

Stepping inside, and kicking the door shut with her foot, Kensi made her way to the living room.

Dropping onto the pale sofa, Kensi realised why it was easier to tell Callen. She kept thinking about the morning she'd found out the other test was negative; he'd been patient and supportive when she was clearly bothered by it. Callen didn't know any details, but offered to be there if she needed to talk regardless. Kensi took that opportunity in the alley because Callen still didn't know the details. Deeks did. If she'd told Deeks, he would get excited and hopeful. Kensi didn't have any confirmation of the pregnancy yet, and didn't want to crush his dreams a second time.

It would have been even worse – before it had been a negative test, but now to say she might be pregnant and then have it taken away wasn't something she could do to Deeks.

Kensi had to find out if it was true this time.

It was still too soon, though. She'd agreed to take several days off from work, knowing she wouldn't be able to do her job safely when her mind was going crazy, but Kensi had no idea how to spend the time. It had been over a week since she'd been intimate with Deeks for a second time. After that they'd gotten the current case, and time alone together became a rarity. That's why she'd used the excuse of being out of town - Kensi couldn't directly keep the secret from him. If he stopped by her apartment, he would find it exactly as it was: empty, with her clothes packed up.

Kensi was determined to wait it out; to let the days pass by until she could take another test. She was terrified, and confused, but if nothing else her stubbornness won through.

The only problem she had was figuring out how to spend the next several days.

Shifting on the sofa to get more comfortable, Kensi released a drawn-out exhale to calm herself. She needed to distract her mind from everything, but it was impossible. There could be a new life, part her and part Deeks, growing inside her right now. Kensi gasped, as the magnitude of her realisation begun to fill her entirely. She questioned everything she ate, every risk she took to stop a bad guy, and every moment she should have been more self-aware. Guilt flushed through her, as well as panic she'd done something wrong.

Kensi jumped up from the sofa and hurried to the kitchen. She'd hardly had anything to eat all day, and in light of her possible new situation she was scared the baby might be hungry.

_If there was a baby_, Kensi reminded herself.

She halted halfway through raiding the fridge, and felt even more unsure. If she changed anything now, it would be as mind-numbing as accepting she truly was pregnant. There was no confirmation, and it was far too soon for anyone to tell her for sure. Kensi knew how long she had to wait before she could raid the bathroom cupboard for another pregnancy test.

She'd checked the calendar – Friday would be the day of truth.

Standing in front of the kitchen counter, Kensi pressed her palms flat to the surface, and exhaled a long breath. She hung her head, closed her eyes, and tried to get her mind under control. Kensi had to make a choice: brush it aside and carry on as normal until Friday, or accept the likely truth and make adjustments while bracing brace herself for possible disappointment. She was terrified of the second option because Kensi did not think she would survive a second time of seeing a negative test result. It left her with a sense foreboding and dread, when Kensi realised she really didn't have a choice – something within her own mind and heart had already convinced her there was new life forming inside her.

There was a baby, and no matter how Kensi tried to say neutral until she could take the test – somehow, her instincts told her she already knew the truth.

Kensi placed her phone in front of her, and stared at it. With shaking hands, she went to her messages and tapped out another text to Deeks. She could not call him, it would be too hard for her to deal with in her unsettled state, but Kensi had to allow herself one big personal risk - it was a risk she would only ever take with Deeks.

It was a simple message implying she would be back on Saturday. Kensi admitted she wasn't living in her apartment anymore, and that she'd explain on Saturday. She gave Deeks the address to the house, and asked him to promise to be there in the afternoon – even if she texted him from now until Saturday to change her mind. Kensi had to make sure Deeks would stop by when she'd asked, and that the plan was final.

By Friday she would know the truth for certain, and on Saturday – so would Deeks.

* * *

Standing around in a darkened street, with only a suitcase being dragged with her, was something Jane was very familiar with. It wasn't from a time in her life that was entirely joyful, and yet it was a moment she relished the memories of. Sighing, looking around at the late Los Angeles traffic, Jane kept her hand out in wait for a taxi.

'About damn time.' Jane grumbled, when a yellow cab skid beside her and halted.

She tossed her suitcase onto the seat beside her, and gave the man the address. Leaning back, and cringing at the scent of the vehicle, Jane pulled out her phone to re-read over the text she'd received earlier the previous day. Kensi hadn't told her much, but Jane could speak her language better than anyone. She knew Kensi's casual questions and comments were a veil for a desperate need of some company.

The moment Jane had read the message, she'd literally dropped everything and left Hawaii on the first available flight.

While sitting unnaturally quiet in the back seat of the cab, Jane stared at her reflection with no interest towards the night lights beyond. She saw her wavy brown hair, caramel-coloured skin, brown eyes, and big hoop earrings – yet Jane could only think of the emotions her face expressed. It was strange for her to ever look at her own reflection during moments of quietness or contemplation. Jane wasn't used to being so open, having learned years ago that being closed off from the world was the only way to be protected from it. She'd taught Kensi to do the same, and since then they'd been instant best friends. More than friends, really – if they sat together at a cafe in the middle of the day, any bystander would easily assume they were sisters.

Sometimes, Kensi and Jane forgot there was no shared blood between them.

'We're here, Miss.'

'I have eyes, ya know!' Jane grumbled to the driver, blinking from her memory-paved trance.

She tossed notes of money into the driver's face, then kicked the door wider open. Roughly pulling her suitcase out, Jane looked across the road to the house.

A few lights were on, so she knew Kensi was home.

Jane hadn't told Kensi about her early return. She knew Kensi would have insisted not to come back from her holidays just for her, and Jane couldn't be bothered having that argument while bickering with the airport staff as well.

Jane snatched a pile of envelopes and papers from the mail box, then walked to the front door with her suitcase trailing behind her on its well-worn wheels. Jane used her own set of keys to unlock the front door, then stepped inside her house. She abandoned her suitcase by the re-locked door without any continued concern for its existence. Jane casually flipped through the letters, then listened for the sound of the television playing familiar shows or films.

Hearing a muffled sound in another room, and nothing else, Jane narrowed her eyes with worry. She dumped the mail on the kitchen counter, and looked around for Kensi.

Jane walked forward and headed for the hallway where the bedrooms and bathroom were located on the other side of the living room, far opposite the front door hallway and kitchen area. She didn't call Kensi's name, as Jane knew there was no use in doing so. She'd locate her without the need to shout as if her friend had gone deaf.

Jane continued walking, until she found her friend sitting on the floor between Kensi's bedroom and the bathroom. Jane halted at the sight, seeing Kensi curled up with her arms wrapped around her legs. She was crying, and barely seemed to take much notice of Jane's presence.

Jane bit her lip, with worry and lack of information flooding her awareness, then huffed and strode forward with habitual determination.

Kensi's breath hitched when she felt Jane slide down the wall to sit beside her. Neither made a sound at first, allowing the other to feel relief and comfort from being together again after quite some time and distance apart. Both Kensi and Jane sat with the only person in the whole world who knew them completely – it's why no words were needed right then; not even a greeting.

It was a relatively late Wednesday night, yet neither girl made any movement to prepare for bed, sit in front of the television, or order take-out like every other Wednesday night they'd spent in the other's company since college.

Kensi swallowed, then sniffed, and pressed her face to her forearms resting over her knees. She never worried about looking weak in front of Jane – she didn't consider it as showing weakness, not to the person who had seen her during her absolute worse.

Jane had been there to tackle Kensi so hard she wasn't able to kill a man they both knew deserved no mercy. She'd also held Kensi in her arms during the first anniversary of Donald Blye's death, and remained strong to allow Kensi to vent all her pain and hurt of that day against her. She'd punched every male who dared to break up with Kensi, and Jane remained at her side to remind her not every person in her life was going to leave. Jane had done all those things for Kensi, and so much more. Through their every struggle, fear, and learning curves – Kensi had done those things for Jane as well.

That was what sisters did - stand by each other no matter what life threw at them.

Jane glanced to her right, taking in the sight of Kensi's wild hair and tearful face. She could tell the emotional state wasn't based on hurt or loss – it was confusion, and being so overwhelmed that tears were her only way to vent the frustrating doubts. A swell of protectiveness flooded Jane, as she reached to rub Kensi's arm in effort to provide some level of warmth to the only person Jane truly had in the entire world.

Kensi leaned her head to Jane's shoulder, letting her tears drip from her eyes, and exhaled a staggered breath of emotion. Jane rested her cheek to Kensi's forehead, wishing she'd never decided to go to Hawaii – wishing she had never left Kensi's side for even a moment, because indirectly or not her absence had left Kensi vulnerable when something big in her life happened or changed.

'I'm here now.' Jane said quietly. 'Let me hear it.'


End file.
